Posted: 5:03 p.m. Tuesday, Oct. 1, 2013
By Akula Wolf
America does not even have a running government at this moment (or most moments, honestly #govtjokes), and the most likely reason for this is the fact that Scott Wood is not president. He can't be president for a while yet, but rest assured he is already planning his run, and some core parts of his platform have been outlined.
THIS IS A PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT. I am announcing I will be running for presidency after the year 2025! Vote 4 WOOD-the change is good!— Scott Wood (@ScottWood15) October 1, 2013
There will be a Bdubs,redlobster, a chuckecheese in every city! Lunch breaks will be 2 hours long! Speed limit? What speed limit. Woodisgood— Scott Wood (@ScottWood15) October 1, 2013
To be I'm congress we won't vote! We will have a dodgeball competition! Anything else we need!? You are the voices of this great nation.— Scott Wood (@ScottWood15) October 1, 2013
You can't rebuild America without WOOD! #woodisgood— Scott Wood (@ScottWood15) October 1, 2013
Yes, you read correctly, two-hour lunch breaks and no more speed limits. I have several more suggestions:
-- Replace all police sirens with ice cream truck jingles.
-- Provide $5 million annual stipend to all NC State sports bloggers.
-- Raze the University of Maryland, turn it into a nature preserve and/or prison.
-- SAVE THE WHALES
-- Cancel The Simpsons already, sheesh.
-- Quadruple the number of national holidays so we can all celebrate occasions like National Eat Burritos All Day Day, National Do Absolutely Nothing Day, National Here's $500 Dollars Courtesy Of The Good 'Ol U.S. of A., Enjoy! Day, etc.
-- If there's time--if there's time--maybe look into the country's infrastructure problems, education issues, that sort of thing. But only if there's time.