Big Burger Takes Down Big Man

GASTONIA, N.C.,None — I've by and large outgrown my love for "stunt food." There are basically two types: the gigantic portion of something that you're supposed to consume, usually within some sort of time limit, to receive a prize or the insanely spicy dish that promises to abuse your senses to the point that you hallucinate and spend the rest of your life eating nothing but mayonnaise spread on white bread, also in exchange for some sort of prize.

In my younger days, there were very few of these challenges that I would pass up. No matter how mountainous the portion or how many hazmat stickers on the dish, I was game. My face is on any number of "Walls of Fame" in Texas eateries.

Thankfully, in recent years it has occurred to me that you don't generally see many guys past the age of 50 undertaking those challenges, as a predilection for such activity tends to limit one's lifespan. Consuming the Monster Belly Buster Burger on a weekly basis, chased with an order of Atomic Mutant Wings of Death, will gain your notoriety and an early grave.

However, when Mike Croft, owner and burger mad scientist-in-residence at Whiskey Mill Bar & Grill, dared me to tackle Da Big Nasty, his own creation, I had to give it a try.

What, you may ask, makes up Da Big Nasty? Start with four half-pound patties dosed with Mike's secret recipe burger seasoning, top each one with bacon, cheese and chili, then stack them with three fried eggs between them and served the whole shebang with an order of tots or fries. Just reading that made me reach for my Lipitor.

So, on a Saturday when the temperature outside made spending the afternoon in an air-conditioned bar an appealing idea, I set course for Bessemer City. I had prepared well (or so I thought) getting up early and getting active, consuming only a sausage biscuit for sustenance. I was nigh on to ravenous, and when the bartender set the mountainous burger before me, I set the kitchen timer to the allowed 12 minutes and dug in.

Strategy is vital in this sort of endeavor. No one lacking the ability to unhinge their jaw snake-style is going to be able to take conventional bites, so the use of a second plate is mandatory, sort of a staging area for smaller portions of the whole.

I made it through the top bun, veggies, first patty and all three eggs without breaking a sweat. Three minutes had elapsed and I was on a roll. I tackled the second patty with abandon, eating barbarian-style without the benefit of utensils.

As the last bite of the second patty vanished down my gullet with four minutes remaining on the timer, I realized two things: First, there was no way on earth I was going to eat another pound of meat with all the fixings in four minutes. Second, a serious attempt to do so would result in unpleasant and possibly explosive gastric consequences. Midway through the third patty, with under a minute left on the timer, I threw in the towel.

I am now officially and forevermore retired from quantity-based eating challenges. I'll still be happy to try your Mumbai Death Curry, but only in normal-sized servings, please!

I'm still looking for submissions for upcoming throwdown challenges on pizza joints and neighborhood bars. One note on bars: Please make sure your nominees offer at least a handful of beers on tap, preferably some local brews! Send your submissions to gastonfood@yahoo.com

WSOC